How To Talk To Your Partner About Addiction
Here are 4 key points when talking about addiction to your loved one…..
Be Honest:
Yes, it sounds simple, but yet it can be so hard. Addiction keeps us in a mode of secrecy. We feel like we have to hide what we are doing, when we are doing it, or we may even start to defend it. In recovery, truth can feel vulnerable, but be so freeing. You will feel the weight of the world lifted when you start being honest.
First things first, you have to become honest with yourself. Are you in denial? If so, think about how using the substance is affecting your life. Does it keep you from sleeping well? Is it affecting your relationship? Is it affecting your work? These are questions you have to ask yourself and become completely and totally honest. The answer is probably yes to at least one, if not all, of the above mentioned. Once you become honest with yourself, you will find it easier to tell your partner what you’ve been going through. The harsh reality is that most partners know “something is up”. Maybe they look the other way or choose to be in denial as well. Whatever the case is, you’ve got to hit this head on. I encourage you to write down what you would like to say to your partner and practice a few times in the mirror. This will help you feel structured and keep you focused on your main points. Then dedicate some time that you and your partner can sit down and have this conversation, distraction free. Yes, this conversation may feel scary and you may be unsure of how they will react, but remember, recovery is honesty!
Ask for what you need/want:
Have you ever thought to yourself “if they knew me, they should know what I need”? Unfortunately this is just not true. Regardless of whether you’ve been in a relationship a few years or a few decades, our partners are not mind readers. We have to learn how to ask for what we need or want in a relationship. Have you thought about what you really need/want? If not, please take a minute and start writing down things that you appreciate in a relationship. For example, this may look like “I really like when you ask me how my day was and I just get to vent to you” or “I really like it when I can talk to you and you don’t try to fix things” or “I love our time we spend together on the weekends since we are so busy during the week”. These are just a few examples, so take some time to really think about what you need vs. what you want. So, let’s talk about the difference between NEEDs and WANTs. As a society with instant gratification being at the center, we often feel like we need things when in reality we just want them. We want things to go our way; we want our partner to listen to us; we want our partner to understand how we feel. Now, think about the things you need in this relationship. This may look different for everyone, but safety and security are probably at the top of the list. Once you start to define needs vs. wants, it will become clearer what is important to you. In your recovery think about what your needs are and what your wants are and then….ask.
What does support look like to you:
Support can come in many forms. Again, you will want to start jotting down ideas of what this will look like and from whom. For instance, your partner will play a significant role in your recovery, but where will the boundaries be? A supportive partner may be someone who begins to educate themselves on what addiction is and what their role should be; this may also look like someone who is willing to hold you accountable by setting clear boundaries with you; or this may look like someone simply asking what they can do to support you. Other people that will play a crucial role in your recovery may be a Sponsor, which I would encourage you to get; extended family members, and friends may all be involved in your recovery. This is your decision, but the point is that you are building a supportive network that you can lean on when needed. Humans need connection, so build that circle!
Be ready for change:
One of my favorite comments I hear from clients is “But I don’t like change”. Look I get it: change is hard and not always fun, but it doesn’t have to be associated with something negative. Let’s think about all the change we incur every single day in our lives: the weather, our mood, traffic, clothes, hair, etc…I could go on and on, but you get the point. Our brains are actually wired to deal with constant change, but yet we try to fight it daily. Change can also look like: moving in with a partner, getting a promotion at work, buying a new car, or becoming sober and learning to enjoy life in a new way. Change doesn’t have to be bad! Now once we’ve got our mind wrapped around the fact that change is inevitable, let’s talk about what change in your recovery can look like. Yes, this will include our relationships. You and your partner will need to learn a new way to communicate, possibly learn new hobbies or even learn how to socialize sober. Whatever changes come, you can handle them! I would encourage you to speak with your partner about the changes this may bring and how each of you feel about it.
